18.02.2018, 07:58:53

there’s this psych class i’m taking online, social psychology, and it boggles my mind each time i finish a lecture. it teaches me, indirectly, so much about how i want to live intentionally; how not OK i am with running on autopilot and subconsciously running the race of automatic processes like a hamster on its wheel.

it humbles me down every time.
because i see myself, my thoughts, my tendencies.
and it reminds me– we’re all one and the same.

there’s this one concept that’s been reiterated a few times now: the “us versus them” phenomenon. in short, we like to group ourselves, create stereotypes and look for any + every confirmation to concur our bias; i’ll argue, we do this to make ourselves more comfortable, more ‘secure’-feeling and more entitled (for whatever reason)– we separate ourselves. on purpose. mostly without knowing… guilty.

so i repent, i bend the knee.
i remember Love, and the strength it wields.
Love is a superpower, easily overshadowed.

but when i differentiate, when i distance and when i don’t stop to really see the person– like reeeeally see, i am the hamster on its wheel, blind to what’s really going on. ‘what is really going on,’ you ask? here’s what i know: golden threads are being sown into stories, unwittingly, and we walk around the pen of our lives, looking for meaning and accomplishments to add to our name — when, really, is that all there is in this life? is this the height of it– you live a few years, and then you go back to dust?

we think golden threads in mundane spaces are not for the ill at ease.
but my own story is proof that it’s far from that.
the truth is, golden threads are everywhere– if you choose to see them.

it’s always been an ‘us’. there’s never been a ‘them’. may i live with the certainty that Love binds us all together. and there are no exceptions.



10.02.2018, 19:45:36

a prescription for the one’s who live for far too long inside their own heads: get out. (recommended dosage: daily hourly.)

a list of my organic remedies:

– sing
– cry
– laugh
– hug
– dance
– play
– draw
– write


10.02.2018, 19:40:16

eyes heavy, laden with dust.
blink, rub the neck.
tendons, tense.
aches and pains, at this age.

what does it feel like
to be one of the dead?
one day,
we’ll know-

but today, we live.
lungs expand, hearts beat.
and if i’m really still,
maybe i’ll hear hope’s rhythm.


31.10.2017, little black notebook

(Pretext: I believe God is always speaking. that’s what my little black notebook is for. I believe His voice is kind, and it’s overwhelmingly loving. Today, i flipped back to it, and read this, a note i wrote down, from October)

“you house My spirit. your heart is home. you teach with your life. others see you and understand there’s something different about the way you love– your love is pure, refined by My fire, and it is where you flourish. what you read in My word is true:

‘get the word out! teach all these things. and don’t let anyone put you down because you’re young. teach believers with your life: by word, by demeanor, by love, by faith, by integrity. stay at your post, reading Scripture, giving counsel, teaching. that special gift of ministry … keep that dusted off and in use. cultivate these things. immerse yourself in them.’ // 1 timothy 4:11-15 (emphasis added, mine)

“My question for you, is: Am i enough for you? is My applause, my joy and my love and appreciation enough for you? are My eyes enough, alone? will you be satisfied with teaching only me the things My Spirit has been teaching you? is My applause enough? Do you see only Me, only My glory, not yours? Are you willing to die to self, put aside, and bend the knee? to become higher, you must get lower.

“you teach every heart with your life, your actions, your grit and grace. you were made to teach others how to love, to find me, to bend low in dirt, to be unafraid of mess. to love slow, to seek — to know me, and my creative, intimate heart. i am teaching you these things now. in the quiet, stillness– the unseen. this process has purpose. you are exactly where you need to be.

i am with you, always.”

26.01.2018, 10:23:39

enneagram four:

a constant spiral, of upwards and down. around and around. It can be exhausting as hell- fire ripping through the battlefield, looping where no-man’s-land wants to land, so it boomerangs back again. the only issue? you are both sides. a mind at war with itself; one day friendly-firing wonderful compliments at your accomplishments, the next a gruesome taste of your own cold, blood as you grit your teeth in anger and despair.

why the tragic metaphor? it feels like this some days.
yes, feel.

and dear four, giving voice to what you feel is the first sign of surrender. a white flag. it’s not weakness, it’s wisdom. because while feelings and emotions are truest of our experience, a world at war with itself raging inside– they might not actually be truth.

that’s the hardest thing to come to grips with: your feelings aren’t always right, light and lovely.

so. as a feeler, who experiences hundreds of them a day, across the spectrum within minutes, i’m learning this:

1. take it slow, breathe deep
2. you will be taken care of
3. asking for help is strength