09.05.2017, 12:49:09

sometimes, there are days where everything is so right with the world. And not because they are in any way perfect, or that I tried to make them so- but because each moment came together in harmony. through intentional, present-focused living. And I can’t help but feel deeply- fall deeply- into the zen and quiet joy it stirs.

1. Being real about my holistic health: partnering with my doctor, who not only does her job well, but listens to me well. Relief. Change. Hope. Excitement.
2. Cozy days spent with Leo: Netflix, deep chats, green thumbs and lots of laughter
3. Choosing to fully engage in the moments I am most me, and continually realizing how much joy and silliness there is in freedom.
4. Forgetting where my phone is entirely
5. Space in my schedule to do whatever my heart wants to delight in: working out, eating good food, shopping with a friend, meditating and reading a book.

I am learning the art of being wholly me, and it is absolutely wonderful. I’m so thankful for seasons like May and June – where time slows and spring births seeds to life.

15.04.2017, 20:59:39

some thoughts on reclaiming presence lately.

I’ve been trying to be more aware, more soft-hearted and more in awe of each moment that passes and every person that flickers in my line of vision. I’ve been trying. I’ve been trying … but I burnt out. the burn out became an anxious spirit, the spirit became a constant headache in the forefront of my mind, and the thoughts melted me down last week. I felt downright debilitating to my own self; it leaked into my perspective and steeped my relationships.

Thing is, what I’m learning about presence is it starts with me. my own self. my body, my mind, my soul. and when days go by, unchecked, the poison goes rampant. Mind you, I am reminded of grace, and the importance of giving myself this gift just as much as I give it others. I’m not so good at showering myself in love as I am with other hearts. Leo pointed it out: the way I light up around meaningful conversation with people at work; the way I greet shopkeepers with bubbly smiles in quiet flower stores; the way I choose to handle conflict by waiting for the right, peace-inducing words before speaking. Maybe you relate.

I’ve spent this week investing in reclaiming territory. Reclaiming presence. Reclaiming my own love. Reclaiming truth. Here are a list of things I’ve noticed that help, and I have already / want to incorporate them into my daily living:

1. Meditation
This is new for me. like, three days old. but I love it, why? because it stops the torrential flood of thoughts and trying to “fix” the feelings inside. meditating is stopping and being present with yourself, letting go and welcoming home. I feel so connected to my body- it’s a new way I’m experiencing freedom in all sorts of ways.

2. Exercise
Has been a downer … all year. I’ve realized how important exercise is for stress-relief and mental well-being. It’s been hard, considering a few factors that became roadblocks along the way- but with sunny weather and slower days finally here, I look forward to new beginnings, small beginnings- and endorphins.

3. Slow mornings and short to-do lists
If you know me and we’ve looked each other in the eyes, you might know I dropped to part-time in school. I painfully realized last year I function best at a slower pace, and that it’s okay. I’d rather breathe deep than take short, stifled breaths. I love creating a life where I am happy to wake up and not overload my day.

4. Meaningful conversation
Always, always, always. Yes, I’m an introvert, but conversation is a necessity for me, in big, deep doses. I come alive in discussion about love, friendships, hard times, the meaning of being worthy and how every little thing matters. Strike up a dialogue with me on this, I promise I love surprises, especially out of the blue.

5. Practicing grace and gratitude
I do this for myself, so I can give it to others from a place of fullness, not emptiness. Leo stole my all-time, go-to mantra and now uses it in his daily vernacular: “it’s all grace. all is grace.” This is a conscious posture. A muscle that needs to be frequently flexed. One needs to be fully present, looking for grace to give, looking for God-gifts in all little things.

6. Eat well, Sleep well
My New Year’s resolution was to meal prep every Sunday to learn new things, eat well and not have to make lunch at five in the morning. I did so well during the semester, but as school has ended, so have some of my healthy habits as well. Oops! Tackling food, self-love and my body requires my 100 per cent intention. I’m learning how to listen to my body in such a way that I steward this Holy Temple the best I can. the breakthroughs are wonderful stepping stones.


12.04.2017, 09:57:21

18 things I would tell my 18-year-old self:

1. I love your heart– for people, for passion, for perspective
2. you’re not going to graduate “on time” in four years, but five – and that is more than okay. it doesn’t mean you’re a failure, it means you fight to live life slower, more present.
3. every day is an adventure into the unknown + what-could-be. keep an open mind, don’t plan it all in one night.
4. yeah, that boy that broke up with you on the first day of first year? don’t fret darling, there really are good men out there, and your time in relationships that didn’t work out wasn’t wasted.
5. the love-journey with God is the most exciting relationship ever, and haha, girl … you’re just getting started.
6. you are worthy of grace in the “my life has been flipped upside down” moments and the diagnoses and titles placed on your head.
7. love your body. love it. I still have to tell myself this: but you are enough.
8. friend groups change, seasons shift – and it’s all okay.
9. your story is being written by the Creator, not his creations (you will learn this the hard way, but it’s all grace – there’s purpose in the process)
10. drink your water, set boundaries, get enough sleep, eat healthy
11. you can’t be everything to everyone, and you’ll fail trying to do so
12. the dreams in your heart matter, and you should pursue them
13. your Facebook friends and Instagram followers count doesn’t matter, you love the people in front of you really well, focus on them
14. fight for presence, for authenticity. even when it seems you’re the only one
15. feeling the #feelz is your superpower, it’s not the enemy.
16. you shift the atmosphere in every room you walk in, royal one – you are significant and powerful
17. the struggle, the hustle, the pain — it’s all gonna be worth it.
18. life is so good babe. here, now. it’s beautiful, and it’s only getting more and more beautiful every day.

you are so dang loved,

10.04.2017, 21:56:28

tell me all your secrets, and I’ll share some of mine.

maybe I’ll tell you how my cheeks feel raw on the inside, riddled with anxiety and nervous habit, or how sometimes I’m scared people will walk away when they realize my life isn’t as picturesque as the Instagram feed I prep. maybe I’d tell you about this bursting, bright yellow kind of love I’ve never felt before and just how happy and full everyone around me is, or how I’d never trade in my broken pieces for poker chips with the words like “should have” or “what if” scrawled in red.

tell me all your secrets, and I’ll gladly tell you all of mine.

13.03.2017, 21:51:47

thoughts + mental ramblings, part two:

Feelings. Mmm, my favourite. They can be crippling and freeing– both within seconds of each other. It fascinates me, really: how powerful our emotions are should we allow ourselves to be controlled by them and let them have the final say.

Life, circumstances and, really, every day teaches me new things about the world and its people in it. It’s a beautiful thing to feel so deeply. To have the highs and lows. To conquer a depression so weighty you thought you wouldn’t live through it. To see the stitched-together scars inking your story in redemptive tones. To understand that everything was necessary to point the compass to where your feet find home.

And that, right here, you are enough.
And this is God’s best for you, now.

I’ve learned how to live in moments, one after another. When it comes to feelings, fruit and danger though, I’d like to untangle some of my jumbled thoughts here. So bear with me, friend.

Something Leo has pointed out on numerous occasions is my ability to see a story from all angles. But not only to shift my perspective, like an omnipresent narrator, but to fully embrace the feelings involved. Simply being objective or taking on the second person pov isn’t my piece of pie. I dive fully into the first person character, naive and believing the best in others.

Maybe it’s because I believe everyone is an ocean, each different and so much deeper than the shallow, superficial scratches people tend to talk about. Entering someone’s own personal ocean entails fully submerging yourself, and that includes the possible emotions that might flood your way.

You absorb them, and they become your own. Yeah, it’s confusing to me too.

I’m not sharing this as a boast to boost myself in the holier-than-thou books or make myself sound like a spiritual guru. Far from it. All I know is I tend to feel emotions all at once and then process them as time goes on.

Stories become real to me. People become dear to me.

And I walk around holding remnants of peoples’ hearts in my sleeve, and I leave pieces of them everywhere I go. It’s uncanny, but I think it’s true. It sounds poetic and endearing, but I think it can quickly become unhealthy and dangerous if I’m not careful.

Because if I let my feelings rule, I can be bleeding others’ tears and bad-blood that was never ‘bad’ at all. Maybe somewhere along the way, instead of simply defining the claw-shaped smears as violent or ridiculous, we might stop to see it differently, deeper: someone broke.

The organ that held life-pumped, rhythm-echoing arteries tore a bit. Maybe it was a paper cut, but that doesn’t mean it didn’t hurt. We get squeamish and we gag at bloody fingers and bruised knees, but we forget that something had to break– someone’s heart got busted– in the process.

So I try to live with this awareness.
I try to love people the way I would want to be loved.
I believe in starting over.
I believe in healthy relationships and sharing feelings.

Feeling with others is a beautiful process. It can weigh heavy, yeah, but when done right and with the right people surrounding you, it’s always worth it.

What do you think?

13.03.2017, 21:19:27

some of today’s thoughts and mental ramblings put into words, part 1:

I feel sooo deeply. it makes me cringe sometimes, to be honest. But, somewhere along the road of insecurity and confidence, I’ve come to associate myself with certain words that feel like they hold some sort of revelation about who I am. Words like “feeler, empath, highly sensitive individual, introvert, INFJ”.

Anyone who spends any sort of time with me knows I’m a bit obsessed with that last one..

I’ve often felt misunderstood by others and strangers'(ex. who know of me via another person) perception of me. Let me roll it on back and put out a disclaimer: in no way am I implying that’s a negative, nor do I write for your pity vote. Reason being the following. I’ve also come to realize that I don’t see the world the same way some people do, and that it’s more than fine — it’s good.

There’s nothing wrong with you if you choose a dustier road, unearthed by your lone footprints. It feels like that sometimes, doesn’t it? And yeah, I mean, maybe I write this as a self-justification, but I’ve seen the fruit. I’ve also experienced the dangers.

Introspection has become a big part of how I process everything, everyone.

I wrote a little something over at a joint Instagram account that my Leo and I write together. I mentioned a bit about how much I love pondering people’s stories. Here’s where I’ll leave this blog-y ramble: it can be really difficult to spot dangerous fruit, because I think I believe that anything and all can be good, but it depends on our perspective. It depends on how long you hold it out in front of you; if you let it ripen in the sun or rot in a cellar.

You see, I think we have enough power to turn good things into bad things.

11.12.2016, an unnamed letter [p.4]

I will take off the death that has made its home in your heart.
I will break the bondage and the fake sense of safety you try to find in the form of momentary peace. Because I have SO much more for you, and My Grace and Peace are everlasting and make no sense to the human mind.

Life will not be consistent, no, because life is a journey that matters so much more than where you end up. And you can trust in this process, lovely-heart. Because I will not leave you the same. Or empty. The old will be put to death, exactly how Christ pinned humanity’s sin on a cross, defeating the grave. Time will heal, because I will be found in your mess. I am found at every corner, every door, every seemingly-closed room that makes you feel stuck. But here’s the best part:

I am not going to simply put to death the “old-man” in you, I will and AM resurrecting a completely new creation. You will be unrecognizable. Because My Love transforms where medicine and people have no reach. I am making ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING new in you.

There will come a time when you will look back, and My presence will reveal all the work I’ve been doing your entire life– and you will not know how you got to where you are. I have dreams bigger than the ones you can fathom. I have Hope and Joy when I think of your story as a chapter in the book of Life I’m writing. It makes Me so proud.

I love you with a fierce passion.
Your heavenly Daddy who holds you in His hands, forever.