10.02.2018, 19:45:36

a prescription for the one’s who live for far too long inside their own heads: get out. (recommended dosage: daily hourly.)

how?
a list of my organic remedies:

– sing
– cry
– laugh
– hug
– dance
– play
– draw
– write

-cv.

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31.10.2017, little black notebook

(Pretext: I believe God is always speaking. that’s what my little black notebook is for. I believe His voice is kind, and it’s overwhelmingly loving. Today, i flipped back to it, and read this, a note i wrote down, from October)

“you house My spirit. your heart is home. you teach with your life. others see you and understand there’s something different about the way you love– your love is pure, refined by My fire, and it is where you flourish. what you read in My word is true:

‘get the word out! teach all these things. and don’t let anyone put you down because you’re young. teach believers with your life: by word, by demeanor, by love, by faith, by integrity. stay at your post, reading Scripture, giving counsel, teaching. that special gift of ministry … keep that dusted off and in use. cultivate these things. immerse yourself in them.’ // 1 timothy 4:11-15 (emphasis added, mine)

“My question for you, is: Am i enough for you? is My applause, my joy and my love and appreciation enough for you? are My eyes enough, alone? will you be satisfied with teaching only me the things My Spirit has been teaching you? is My applause enough? Do you see only Me, only My glory, not yours? Are you willing to die to self, put aside, and bend the knee? to become higher, you must get lower.

“you teach every heart with your life, your actions, your grit and grace. you were made to teach others how to love, to find me, to bend low in dirt, to be unafraid of mess. to love slow, to seek — to know me, and my creative, intimate heart. i am teaching you these things now. in the quiet, stillness– the unseen. this process has purpose. you are exactly where you need to be.

i am with you, always.”

26.01.2018, 10:23:39

enneagram four:

a constant spiral, of upwards and down. around and around. It can be exhausting as hell- fire ripping through the battlefield, looping where no-man’s-land wants to land, so it boomerangs back again. the only issue? you are both sides. a mind at war with itself; one day friendly-firing wonderful compliments at your accomplishments, the next a gruesome taste of your own cold, blood as you grit your teeth in anger and despair.

why the tragic metaphor? it feels like this some days.
yes, feel.

and dear four, giving voice to what you feel is the first sign of surrender. a white flag. it’s not weakness, it’s wisdom. because while feelings and emotions are truest of our experience, a world at war with itself raging inside– they might not actually be truth.

that’s the hardest thing to come to grips with: your feelings aren’t always right, light and lovely.

so. as a feeler, who experiences hundreds of them a day, across the spectrum within minutes, i’m learning this:

1. take it slow, breathe deep
2. you will be taken care of
3. asking for help is strength

-cv.

17.12.2017, 10:06:20

on mornings like these, where exams are impending and for once i don’t feel the looming doom over my head, it makes me think:

why do we see these moments with so much weight and grief? we latch our identities on specific seconds and hours, where our performance can tilt on the tune of the wrong note. we cram and pound our heads, shaming our bodies and hearts for wanting peace instead– but we add to this mess, don’t we?

with years of doing this myself, i think i’ve finally found the key to unlocking the mystery: gratitude.

today i’m overwhelmed.
thank you lord for the opportunity to learn.
thank you for the opportunity to love others.
thank you for the opportunity to be loved and to be taught.
thank you for friends that cross my paths in classes.
thank you for the hearts i’m going to impact with this knowledge.
thank you for safe travels and beauty along the way.
thank you for this journey, even as it’s coming to an end.
thank you for this leg in the process of becoming.

that’s the whole point, isn’t it?
we’re all just becoming, after all.
continually becoming.

-cv.

05.12.2017, 21:18:45

thoughts on “control”:

i hold it tightly, i do. i repeat a rhetoric of “i’m not enough, i’m not doing enough, i’m not smart or productive enough; i can’t handle enough…”

sunday brought me to my knees in holy anger and disappointment (and a not-so-holy stubbornness that roared its teeth too, at Leo of all people. what a man.) a conflict of emotions, where civilians would’ve gotten hurt had not the only tangible civil thing been my heart being sown out of its old pieces.

sometimes, i learn that we, in our most gentlest concern, lightly take parts of our hearts with the heaviest weight– we think them whole, redeemed. and we stitch them into the fabric of our messy heart, but the attack was waiting to happen; the arteries were clogged with sorrow weren’t they? God saw the ragged pores, how badly we needed the oxygen to bring a pumping heart to life, to not take away parts that he breathed in us eons ago– and what does he do? he keeps loving us back together again.

if we let him.

so why and where does “control” come in? I’m very good at giving God juuuust enough that it looks like my whole heart, but he and i both know it isn’t. i could fool anyone, even Leo maybe (at this point, maybe not – he knows me better than I do sometimes. relationships are magic, healing + terrifying). but i position myself with just enough surrender and mix in the honest humility and neediness– but i hold back. on what?

on fully trusting. or even trusting at all– that God doesn’t need my hands to do his brilliant work in my life. that he’s bigger and more capable than I am. that my striving, my abilities and my talents– as good as they are– they close the space for Love to thread its needle.

so i start small, over again:

i whispered up to heaven as i spoke with someone who needed my voice to say, “it’s all grace, remember that. it’s not just for those who don’t know grace, but it’s for you too.” funny, isn’t it? how we often speak truth to ourselves inadvertently.

i lose myself and find myself in writing. i go months, years even, without finding treasures buried deep. how eccentric and odd it is to find yourself in a moment, in a ripple that once held a hurricane.

i whisper, lord, i’ve done my part. i choose to be here, now; to be present and be a strong post– i know you come through, so do only what you do.

an hour or two later, while i swam to awaken these bones and muscles to fresh resurrecting, that which i couldn’t do– was done.

yes, smile.
the grace is for you too.
-cv.

08.11.2017, 18:51:17

i have been breathing in the year twenty-two for four months now. One quarter, light speed. blink. hold it in, puffed cheeks, and breathe out. reminiscing on how much more my life looks how i’ved dreamed it to be: the day to day ho-hum. such a far ways to go – that’s the fun of it, though, isn’t it?

that destinations are moving targets.
-cv.