Funtherapy podcast s2 ep5: words that stuck with me.

“Do you ever ask the question, God why does this feel unfair? What would you ask God about this?”

“I would ask: how are you going to provide a way through? I don’t want out, I want through. it feels much more daily and hourly, than yearly or monthly. provision in that – there’s a sweetness in that. that’s where you see both the sadness and the joy. it is hard, i won’t deny that at all. and yet there’s this sense that I’ve been realizing:

to experience the miraculous power of God, to see Him on display – you’re much more prone in a place of need. I get to see that in the most stunning ways.

I don’t want to miss that.”

– Margaret Feinberg

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23.07.2018, 09:34:28

on most days
i’m just playing
connect the dots.

trying to understand
this complex mind,
this beating heart.

-cv.

23.07.2018, 09:25:49

/// a slew of thoughts:

there are days, months, even years- maybe- in the making that accumulate and implode within in a single moment. a ticking time bomb, growing steadier in strength as time moves on, and all the while, we become more sensitive, more protective so as to not set it off.

we don’t talk about it. a giant elephant, plain in sight, that we choose not to see- or maybe we just don’t know how to see? if there’s anything I’ve learned in the last three years – it’s that ignorance is not bliss. it’s hell.

instead of peeling back the layers in our broken hearts, we cover them up in more blankets on the way down, in the hopes that the fall won’t kill us. to bare your raw skin in full publicity is probably the hardest thing we might ever learn to do. one step at a time. why are we so afraid? of being misunderstood, of being laughed at, of being told to suck it up, deal with it and keep moving.

i’ve played around with this notion of dialectics – ‘the idea that two seemingly contradictory ideas can exist simultaneously, and resolving the conflict between the two elements logically, establishing truth on both sides rather than disproving one or the other.’ It’s a psychological term, and a therapy, that has a lot to do with recognizing your thoughts, emotions and behaviours, all the while validating the emotion – first.

it’s ground zero. ground zero is a place where a lot of grief takes place, but it’s also a place of hope for what might be rebuilt. (this just might be the easiest example of dialectics i’ve come up on a whim). ground zero signifies an end, and simultaneous beginning. my question, here though, is: how can we move forward without acknowledging what ground zero, with all its tensions, conflict and struggle, really- like really- means to you?

take off the layers of the hardened heart. one. by. one.

the inevitable ticking time bomb goes off, and there’s no glamorous suspense, there’s no pinnacle turning point, no fascinating breakthrough. you lay in bed for 9 hours while the sun is still high in the sky. you watch the shadows dance on the wall. some hours you’re awake, some not. restless. the limbs are heavy and the body can’t move – but the brain can’t sit still. all the while, your heart is numb. deeper down the rabbit hole we go.

this is the part of depression nobody really talks about, nobody really wants to be a part of. it’s the ticking time bomb that goes off, when you face triggers (internal and/or external) one after another. connect the dots. domino. add to the fact you’ve forced yourself to be extremely high functioning despite the intensity and severity (because you have to be after all – people are depending on you, and nothing is worse than letting people down). of course it’s hard to understand – i don’t even get it on most days myself.

a recipe for re-building on broken ground:
– let yourself sleep if you need to (escape, but then..)
– recognize new mercy is always around the corner
– love doesn’t stop just because you do
– maybe brushing your teeth is your biggest victory for today
– there are people who will sit with you in ground zero
– please don’t do it alone

-cv.

29.05.18, 10:26:00

I don’t know who needs this today (maybe it’s just me)– but know this:

yes, there will be days that overshadow the next.
you might feel a little helpless.
you’ll probably hide from people.

but you’re not alone,
you’re not alone,
you’re not alone.
-cv.